Loved Not Liked

Optimize for being loved (extending yourself for others' growth) rather than being liked

Ebi Atawodi
Crafting a compelling product vision | Ebi Atawodi (YouTube, Netflix, Uber)

Loved Not Liked

"I do not believe in being liked. I believe in being loved. And that's a very, very different thing... Love is the choice to extend yourself for the spiritual growth of oneself or another." - Ebi Atawodi

What It Is

A leadership philosophy that prioritizes deep care for people's growth over surface-level pleasantness. Being "liked" focuses on comfort and agreeableness. Being "loved" means genuinely investing in someone's development, even when that requires difficult conversations.

This framework reframes how leaders think about relationships with their teams and peers. It's not about being harsh - it's about caring enough to extend yourself for someone else's benefit.

How It Works

The Definition of Love

Drawing from M. Scott Peck's definition:

"Love is the choice to extend yourself for the spiritual growth of oneself or another."

This means:

  • Extending yourself - Going beyond what's comfortable or easy
  • For growth - The goal is the other person's development
  • A choice - It's intentional, not accidental
  • Includes self-love - You extend this to yourself too

Liked vs. Loved

Being Liked Being Loved
Avoiding hard conversations Having hard conversations because you care
Telling people what they want to hear Telling people what they need to hear
Surface-level relationships Deep, trust-based relationships
Comfort in the moment Growth over time
Fear of conflict Willingness to be uncomfortable

Why It Works

When people know you genuinely care about them as humans - not just their output - they can receive raw feedback:

"When the feedback is coming raw, they know that it's in their best interest because I've shown them enough times that I genuinely care about the person behind the role."

The investment in the relationship creates the safety for honest communication.

How to Apply It

Build the Foundation First

  1. Know the human - Do you know your engineering manager's birthday? Their career aspirations? Why they do this job?

  2. Show consistent care - Regular check-ins about them as a person, not just their work

  3. Invest time - "Have lunch or dinner. Go to a show together. If I'm spending half my waking life at work, I want to have fun while doing it."

  4. Demonstrate vulnerability - Share your own challenges and growth areas

Then Have the Hard Conversations

Once the foundation exists:

  • Give direct, honest feedback
  • Challenge people's thinking
  • Hold high standards
  • Address problems early

The feedback lands differently because the relationship is established.

The Team Application

Apply this to how teams work together:

"In my team now, we have our email distro. Gmail allows you to do the plus thing - plus PRD - and just ship your PRD, even when it's getting dated. And people will just help you shape it because we all care about each other."

Teams that love each other:

  • Help each other improve work before it goes out
  • Give honest feedback on drafts
  • Invest in collective quality, not individual territory

When to Use It

  • When building a new team culture
  • When deciding how to give difficult feedback
  • When tempted to avoid a hard conversation
  • When coaching other leaders on their style
  • When evaluating your own leadership effectiveness

The Relationship Test

For your key working relationships, ask:

  • Do I know their birthday?
  • Do I know their work anniversary?
  • Do I know why they're doing this job?
  • Do I know what they want to become?

If you can't answer these, you haven't built the foundation for being loved (and for loving in return).

Common Misconceptions

"This sounds harsh" - No. It's the opposite of harsh. It's caring so deeply that you're willing to have uncomfortable conversations.

"This means being brutally honest" - No. The love must be evident. Raw feedback only works when the relationship foundation is strong.

"This is about being nice" - No. Being "nice" is often about being liked. Being loved sometimes means being uncomfortable together.

Source

  • Guest: Ebi Atawodi
  • Episode: "Crafting a compelling product vision | Ebi Atawodi (YouTube, Netflix, Uber)"
  • Key Discussion: (01:21:51) - Love versus like in leadership
  • YouTube: Watch on YouTube

Related Frameworks

  • Kind and Candid - Similar emphasis on honesty with care
  • Appropriate Vulnerability - Building the foundation for deep relationships
  • Trust Battery - Related concept of relationship investment
  • Pinch Before Crunch - Address issues early, with care
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