Stay on Your Side of the Net

Give feedback by describing behavior and your feelings—never attribute intent or motives you can't know

Carole Robin
How to build deeper, more robust relationships

Stay on Your Side of the Net

"I feel that you don't care and I feel you're being insensitive are not feelings. They're attributions and imputed motives, and that's where we make our biggest mistakes when it comes to feedback." - Carole Robin

What It Is

"Stay on Your Side of the Net" is a technique for giving feedback that builds relationships instead of damaging them. The metaphor comes from the Three Realities Model: imagine a net separating what you know (your feelings and observations) from what you don't know (the other person's intent and motivations).

When you "cross the net," you make statements about what's happening inside the other person—their intent, character, or motives. This immediately triggers defensiveness because you're telling them about themselves based on information you don't have access to.

Staying on your side means speaking only to what you actually know: the specific behavior you observed and the feelings that behavior created in you. This is fundamentally different from how most people give feedback, and it's why most feedback creates conflict rather than connection.

How It Works

Crossing the Net (Ineffective):

  • "You don't listen" - You can't know if they were listening
  • "You're being insensitive" - That's a character judgment, not a feeling
  • "I feel that you don't care" - "I feel that..." is not a feeling; it's an attribution disguised as a feeling
  • "I feel like you're not committed" - Same problem: opinion disguised as feeling
  • "Why are you so defensive?" - Labeling their state instead of sharing yours

Staying on Your Side (Effective):

  • "When I speak and get only a grunt back, I don't feel heard."
  • "When you looked at your watch while I was answering, I felt disrespected."
  • "I was interrupted three times, and I feel put off."
  • "When you didn't respond to my suggestion, I felt dismissed and less inclined to contribute."

The Formula:

  1. "When you [specific observable behavior]..."
  2. "...I feel [actual emotion from vocabulary of feelings]..."
  3. "...and I'm telling you this because [your purpose/hoped outcome]."

Grammar Hack: If you can insert "that" or "like" after "I feel," you're probably about to cross the net. Real feelings don't work grammatically with those words:

  • "I feel that angry" - doesn't work (good sign: "angry" is a real feeling)
  • "I feel that you don't care" - works grammatically (bad sign: you're about to cross the net)

How to Apply It

  1. Catch yourself before you label - When you're about to say "You're [adjective]" or "You never/always [verb]," pause. You're about to cross the net.

  2. Get specific about behavior - Instead of generalizing, describe exactly what happened. What would a video camera have recorded?

  3. Use actual feelings - Consult a vocabulary of feelings if needed. Common ones: hurt, scared, frustrated, dismissed, disconnected, confused, disappointed, anxious, sad, lonely, excited, appreciative.

  4. State your purpose - Why are you sharing this? To improve the relationship? To work better together? To be closer?

  5. Move to problem-solving - The goal isn't to change the person; it's to find behaviors that work better for both of you.

Example Transformation:

Before (crossing the net): "You're so insensitive. You never listen to me. You obviously don't care about what I have to say."

After (staying on your side): "When I'm excited about something and I only get a grunt or an affectless repetition back, I don't feel heard. When I don't feel heard, I feel hurt and distanced. I'm telling you this because I want to feel connected to you, and I can't be here for you the way I want to when I feel this way."

When to Use It

  • Every time you give constructive feedback
  • During performance conversations
  • In conflict with colleagues, partners, friends, or family
  • When you notice yourself making assumptions about someone's motives
  • After an interaction that left you feeling negative
  • When someone responds defensively to your feedback (you may have crossed the net)

Source

  • Guest: Carole Robin
  • Episode: "How to build deeper, more robust relationships"
  • Key Discussion: (00:46:28) - The net metaphor and feedback formula
  • YouTube: Watch on YouTube

Related Frameworks

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