Difficult Conversation Scripts

Specific language patterns for navigating performance feedback, promotions, and terminations

Alisa Cohn
Scripts for navigating difficult conversations

Difficult Conversation Scripts

"The reason they're difficult, to your point, they're difficult. But we're putting meaning on things all the time, every day, all the time, and I think it's important, it's actually helpful in motivating you to have difficult conversations, but also in helping them go well. If you can get to the bottom of what you're putting on top of it, what you're weighting it with." - Alisa Cohn

What It Is

A collection of specific, tested language patterns for the most common difficult workplace conversations: performance feedback, promotion denials, pre-termination warnings, and actual terminations. The framework addresses both what to say and how to prepare mentally for these conversations.

The core insight is that people avoid difficult conversations not because they don't know the conversations are necessary, but because they lack specific language to use. Having a script—even one you adapt—gives you the confidence to initiate conversations you've been avoiding.

How It Works

The Mental Preparation

Before any difficult conversation:

  1. Identify what makes it difficult for you - Is it fear of their reaction? Fear of being wrong? Worry about the relationship? Understanding your specific discomfort helps you address it.

  2. Get your mindset right - You're not doing this to hurt someone. You're helping them get better, succeed in their career, or understand something they need to know.

  3. Practice the words - Literally say the script out loud. Wrap your mouth around the words before the meeting.

Script 1: Performance Feedback

Opening:

"I wanted to have a conversation with you about some things I've been hearing from your peers about the way you're all interacting together."

Body:

"What I'm hearing from them is that [specific observable behavior]. Now, we both know that the most important way you can succeed here is [link to their success]. So I wanted to let you know about this. I certainly want to hear what you have to say, but the most important thing is that we leave this discussion knowing how you're going to [specific improvement]."

Key principles:

  • Use "what I'm hearing" or "what I'm observing" rather than accusations
  • Link feedback to their success, not just organizational needs
  • End with a specific outcome you want from the conversation

Script 2: Self-Observed Feedback

When the issue is something you've personally observed (not from others):

"Part of your job is to [expectation]. What I've observed is that [specific gap]. So what I'd love you to do is [specific action]. If you need help in any way, let me know. But ultimately, I want to get you to the level where [positive outcome for them]."

Script 3: When They Get Defensive

"Let's pause for a second. First, I want you to know I'm telling you this to help you get better—I know how important your career is to you, and it's important to me too as your leader. Second, my observation is that you're getting a little emotional. I want to know if we can continue having this conversation now or if we need to pause. At the end of the day, we really have to have this conversation and I really want to see you make changes, but I understand you might need a few moments to digest it."

Script 4: Promotion Denial

"[Name], I know this is going to be challenging for you to hear. I know you were hoping to get that promotion, but I want to let you know that [decision]. I want to give you a few thoughts about why: [specific reasons]. But I want you to know this—it's really important to me that you're able to succeed in your career here, and I want to continue to help you find opportunities to build your skills and advance."

Key principles:

  • Don't bury the lead—deliver the news early
  • Provide specific reasons (not vague excuses)
  • Offer hope for the future

Script 5: Pre-Termination Warning (The "Crystal Clear" Conversation)

"Listen, [Name], we have to have a difficult conversation right now. I've talked to you multiple times about [issue], and after [timeframe] of these conversations, [the issue persists]. I need you to know that this is very important. I need you to fix this within the next [timeframe]. Otherwise, I'm sorry to say, we're going to have to find a way to part ways because I can't keep this going with you. I know you have it in you to change. I value all you bring to the table, but if you don't fix these things, we're not going to have a future together."

This conversation is essential because:

  • It ensures no one is surprised by a termination
  • It gives them a genuine chance to improve
  • It creates the culture that firings don't come out of nowhere

Script 6: Termination

"[Name], we talked about this multiple times. The last time we had this conversation, I told you I needed you to make these changes. You haven't made these changes and we're going to part ways. [HR person] is here, and we're going to talk through the logistics of that. I want you to know we've made the decision to terminate you."

Note: Always consult HR and legal before termination conversations.

How to Apply It

  1. Before the conversation:

    • Identify which script fits your situation
    • Customize the language to your style (but keep the structure)
    • Practice saying it out loud
    • Get clear on your evidence (observable facts, not judgments)

  2. During the conversation:

    • Deliver the message early—don't bury the lead
    • Use neutral, factual language ("what I'm observing" vs. "you always")
    • Link everything to their success and career
    • Be prepared to pause if emotions run high

  3. After the conversation:

    • Follow up on any commitments made
    • For serious feedback, schedule a check-in
    • For promotions/terminations, give them time to digest before deeper discussion

When to Use It

  • Performance review season when delivering constructive feedback
  • Promotion cycles when people don't get the promotion they expected
  • Before termination to give a crystal-clear final warning
  • During termination to handle the conversation professionally
  • Any time you've been avoiding a conversation because you don't know what to say

Source

  • Guest: Alisa Cohn
  • Episode: "Scripts for navigating difficult conversations"
  • Key Discussion: (00:05:18 - 00:35:00) - Full walkthrough of scripts for different scenarios
  • YouTube: Watch on YouTube

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