Curious Disagreement

"I really enjoy being right and then it turns out in the working world, that did not serve me so great. I think the hard part is sublimating your ego a little bit and saying it's more important to get to the outcome than to be right." - Ami Vora

What It Is

Curious Disagreement is a practice of responding to conflicting viewpoints with genuine curiosity rather than defensiveness. Instead of viewing disagreement as a threat to your position or ego, you treat it as an opportunity to learn something you don't know yet.

The core insight is that disagreements often stem from different information, not different values. Two people can look at the same situation and arrive at completely different conclusions because they're working from different data points, experiences, or assumptions. By approaching disagreement with curiosity, you unlock access to that missing information.

Boz (CTO of Meta) described watching Ami practice this: "She could have the most profound disagreement in the world with somebody... and she would respond, 'Fascinating, you have to tell me more why you think that.' And she meant it from the core of her being."

How It Works

The framework operates through a mindset shift and a practical technique:

The Mindset Shift:

1. Recognize that being right matters less than reaching the right outcome
2. Accept that others have information you don't have
3. View disagreement as a signal of learning opportunity, not threat

The Technique: When you feel that visceral reaction to disagreement:

1. Pause - Take a moment before responding. Your immediate reaction will be primal and protective.
2. Reframe - Instead of "this person is wrong," think "this person knows something I don't"
3. Express genuine curiosity - Use phrases like "Fascinating, tell me more about why you think that"
4. Listen for the new information - Focus on understanding their perspective, not defending yours

How to Apply It

1. Notice the visceral reaction - When someone says something you disagree with, you'll feel a physical response. Don't suppress it, but don't act on it immediately.

2. Take a pause - Even a brief pause lets your body calm down and your mind catch up. The immediate reaction won't serve you.

3. Choose curiosity - Reinterpret the feeling from "threat to shut down" to "chance to learn more."

4. Ask genuine questions - "Fascinating" works, but any genuine expression of curiosity does. The key is authenticity—people can tell if you're faking it.

5. Build the feedback loop - Notice how much better outcomes become when you're genuinely open. This positive reinforcement makes the practice easier over time.

When to Use It

• In product reviews when stakeholders have different opinions
• During debates about strategy or prioritization
• When receiving feedback you initially disagree with
• Any situation where you catch yourself wanting to immediately rebut someone
• Team discussions where you notice yourself mentally preparing counterarguments instead of listening

Caveats

• This doesn't mean abandoning your position—you can still advocate after understanding
• "Fascinating" became so associated with Ami that colleagues knew it meant she disagreed; vary your language
• The approach requires genuine curiosity; forced curiosity doesn't work
• Sometimes you do know better—the framework is for when you might not

Source

• Guest: Ami Vora
• Episode: "Making an impact through authenticity and curiosity"
• Key Discussion: (00:10:20) - How Ami responds to disagreement with curiosity
• YouTube: Watch on YouTube

Related Frameworks

• Inner vs Outer Scorecard - Managing ego around external validation